Well 23 years ago i liked, well loved playing netball and its huge here!! You cannot comprehend how big a sport it is until you witness it!! It's on the TV, primetime!
So I hooked up with a lovely lady through Facebook who runs a 'fun league". At first it was fun, i met some really nice woman, we had a laugh at me being rubbish at adhering to the rules and my general lack of fitness. Nicki hooked me up with teams missing a player on a weekly basis and this really suited me as i was getting to meet a lot of people and generally having fun. That is until i met Cow-face, lets for arguments sake call her Melissa Cow-face!!
Let me describe Melissa Cow-face to you!! Face like a well skelped arse, long straggly blond hair, 5 chins, an arse you could park 6 bikes in and the personality of a schizophrenic hobbit!! You getting the picture? Well at some point people had told Melissa Cow-face 2 things!!
1. you're beautiful and,
2. you're good at netball!
Now i will concede pre 3 she was maybe "cute" but i can safely say she's never been beautiful and 2. we were all good at netball when we were fit and 50kg, wake up Princess, we're all post 30 and a wee bit slower and fatter!!!
So i first had the pleasure of meeting cow-face when i was asked to be her GoalKeeper for a game! Soon after she was growling at me i was letting too many in!! So I kindly and succinctly told her
"to get the fuck out of my fucking face and stop the fucking ball getting the fuck as far back as fucking me, and if her and the fucking rest of her team were doing their fucking jobs right the ball wouldn't be getting the fuck anywhere near me, AND if she was getting the fucking ball in the fucking net then we wouldn't be fucking losing anyway you cheeky fucking cow, AND any fucking road, if you didn't have me you'd only have 6 players and be getting even more fucked than you fucking are now!!!"
Well in my Malcolm Tucker daydream thats what i said, i didn't, i actually said "sorry
I managed to avoid her for a few weeks, got to enjoy my Tuesdays at netball and then i had the pleasure of playing against Cow-face and OMG if she was a total cow to play with, defending against her was worst, well actually no it wasn't it was pure unadulterated fun!!!
I took great pleasure in double foot jumping and then "accidentally" landing on her feet, backing into her by "mistake", slapping the ball out her way and 'oops was that your face I just slapped when i followed that ball through!! On reading this back it sounds like assault, lol. When she wasn't standing next to me i.e she was moving her big fat arse up the court i talked to her team mate!! She spent time telling me what a total cow Cow-face was, but how she HAD to play netball with her cause they were workmates and she HAD to!! OMG you poor girl i said, i hadn't thought about Cow-face outside of netball, imagine the poor sods who work with her the morning after her losing , the poor sod who lives with her, the poor children she will spawn so i did what i thought this pathetic ugly, egotistical, fanatical, crazy fucking fuckity fuck fucker would enjoy the most, i let her score goals and get one over on me, so that for one minute karma might spare the poor people in her life!!
But here's what i learnt!! It's better to be Malcolm Tucker than one ugly fucker!!