Friday, October 11, 2013

Show me the boy at 7 and I'll show you the man.

Tomorrow marks the 7th year since Gabriel was born asleep, so effectively what would have been his 7th birthday and i think this quotation goes in some way to explain the hole that will always exist where he should be. We never got to know the boy and so we'll never know the man he could have been. My good friend held her son for a few hours before he passed away and in the past i was probably jealous of least she got to look into his eyes and felt his warm flesh, but now 7 years on i realise its all shit and actually there's no sliding scale of losing a baby.

I do know a lot of what he would have been, well if he were anything like his parents and sisters i do. He would have been everything i could have hoped for and if he'd been half the man his dad is he'd have been someone worth knowing. If he had half his biggest sister's lust for life, he'd have filled his life with joy, if he'd had half the compassion of his wee sister he'd have made somoene the best of friends and if he'd had half the glint in the eyes of his youngest sister he would have had a life full of fun & adventure. And to be honest if he'd grown to have the resilience of his mum he'd have faced life full force.

I guess all i can hope for is that my 3 girls and Craig & i come out of the loss as undamaged as possible, but i'll be honest i don't ever think it'll be something that's not a huge, defining part of me. I've spoken to people who have had major traumas, sex abuse, murder etc in their lives and a lot of the time they talk of not letting the trauma define them and maybe i have. Who knows? Its not something i actually want to get over or forget. We had a son.

Over the years people have given such pearls of wisdom "oh i know how you feel, i lost my dog recently", "what did you do with it?", "probably best, you wouldn't want a vegetable',"best not to talk about it, you're just upsetting other people", "sorry i wasn't at the funeral, i couldn't face it", "sorry i couldn't make the funeral, i was worried it'd upset me too much", "sorry i've not phoned in a year, but it was just too upsetting". And actually the list goes on and on.

I'm not sure when a child is still born at 39 weeks plus 6 days, people actually comprehend what happens. It's no different to giving birth to your little "pink" or "blue" bundle. They don't sedate you. You labour. You bleed. You rip.You tear.You scream. Your milk comes in.

The only difference is you're handed a wee bundle with blue lips.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Adventures at 41- Leopards, spots & glass houses!!

So Saturday this week just gone marked our year anniversary in Australia and everyone asks "do you love it?", "are you staying?", "are you settled?" etc, etc. And truly the answer is I don't actually know, but I'm giving it a go!!

There are many things i do like, and a growing list of things that i love!! I love the weather and i love living near the ocean! I love that the girls play out nearly every day and that they're experiencing sports and competitive sports and that they'll play them here until they're 60 plus if they want to. I love how tight Craig & i have got since we got here and as before how we function so well under the cosh! I love that the girls will have the chance to work and to travel and that that's considered normal and almost compulsory in Perth. I love that young people can study pt, hold down a job and still have fun with their friends. I love that Lily could get a pt job at 14 and start learning to manage her own money. I love that we don't have to cut grass cause we don't own a lawnmower anymore!! I love that i know i have been nothing, but myself for most of the time i have been here. I love that I've gotten over the phase of trying to fit in. And i love that maybe i  am a square in a round hole. I love that i now have a "proper job" and am functioning as an adult in the adult world. I love that i am no longer beating myself up that I've no interest in going to pump every day. I love that my good friends here range from an opera singer to a lady who dresses as Peppa Pig at the weekend!! I love that when a friend wants to go to Bingay they think of me! I love that we have an aupair. I love our new hood. I love our landlord for letting me hang all my photos. I love that our next winter holiday will be Bali. I love that Facebook lets me see my friends and their kids daily, so i feel part of their lives. I love that we'll be able to celebrate my mum's 70th here altogether. I love that every weekend we're out together having fun. I love that Lily & i play netball together. I love how Lily has embraced the move and shown herself to be an outstanding girl, socially, academically and in her sports. I love that Craig is back playing football. And i love that my "love" list is getting longer as time passes.

I've posted a quote that I've loved for a long time which i think fits with this time for self-reflection. As one very adamant person i've encountered advised me to be more cognisant, i would definitely say this applies to them and to me at 41!

There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.” 
― Tennessee Williams