Friday, October 11, 2013

Show me the boy at 7 and I'll show you the man.

Tomorrow marks the 7th year since Gabriel was born asleep, so effectively what would have been his 7th birthday and i think this quotation goes in some way to explain the hole that will always exist where he should be. We never got to know the boy and so we'll never know the man he could have been. My good friend held her son for a few hours before he passed away and in the past i was probably jealous of her....at least she got to look into his eyes and felt his warm flesh, but now 7 years on i realise its all shit and actually there's no sliding scale of losing a baby.

I do know a lot of what he would have been, well if he were anything like his parents and sisters i do. He would have been everything i could have hoped for and if he'd been half the man his dad is he'd have been someone worth knowing. If he had half his biggest sister's lust for life, he'd have filled his life with joy, if he'd had half the compassion of his wee sister he'd have made somoene the best of friends and if he'd had half the glint in the eyes of his youngest sister he would have had a life full of fun & adventure. And to be honest if he'd grown to have the resilience of his mum he'd have faced life full force.

I guess all i can hope for is that my 3 girls and Craig & i come out of the loss as undamaged as possible, but i'll be honest i don't ever think it'll be something that's not a huge, defining part of me. I've spoken to people who have had major traumas, sex abuse, murder etc in their lives and a lot of the time they talk of not letting the trauma define them and maybe i have. Who knows? Its not something i actually want to get over or forget. We had a son.

Over the years people have given such pearls of wisdom "oh i know how you feel, i lost my dog recently", "what did you do with it?", "probably best, you wouldn't want a vegetable',"best not to talk about it, you're just upsetting other people", "sorry i wasn't at the funeral, i couldn't face it", "sorry i couldn't make the funeral, i was worried it'd upset me too much", "sorry i've not phoned in a year, but it was just too upsetting". And actually the list goes on and on.

I'm not sure when a child is still born at 39 weeks plus 6 days, people actually comprehend what happens. It's no different to giving birth to your little "pink" or "blue" bundle. They don't sedate you. You labour. You bleed. You rip.You tear.You scream. Your milk comes in.

The only difference is you're handed a wee bundle with blue lips.

4 comments:

fiona Barry said...

Darling A . . sitting here at work snot blinding me . .take a trip with me in your dreams where we will in by boat to bute perhaps and light a thousand candles in thought and prayer for your son. .live a life for him if he new his mum he would surely shine with pride love you miss you fiona x x

fiona Barry said...

Darling A . . sitting here at work snot blinding me . .take a trip with me in your dreams where we will in by boat to bute perhaps and light a thousand candles in thought and prayer for your son. .live a life for him if he new his mum he would surely shine with pride love you miss you fiona x x

Anonymous said...

A beautiful, raw and honest post. I was struck by your observation that there is no sliding scale when it comes to the loss of a child.

AnneeApple said...

Hello. I've just found your blog and read this post first. Nothing and no-one could ever ease your pain, as you'll know. People struggle knowing how to help someone they care about / know in times of grief.. the searching for the right words when sometimes nothing needs to be said, just being there.

I'm sure your loss has defined you, you are strong, even if you don't feel strong.

Thinking of you all and sweet Gabriel x