100 Days of Wellness

There is a constant dialogue I have with myself, where I seem to do one of 2 things, 


1. Give myself a row for not doing something and 
2. Come up with excuses as to why i don't have the time to do the things I'm giving myself a row for in 1. 

These range from not eating properly, not drinking enough water, not doing enough exercise, not reading enough, not seeing friends enough, not going out enough, not laughing enough, and so the list goes on and on and on!!


I seem to recall in my mid teens really taking care of myself, taking the time preen and pose, to plan outfits, to moisturise, to pluck, to think, to exercise, to take time to myself and now at fast approaching 43 I don't really do any of these things as matter of habit. The minute life gets hectic or tough these habits fall to the wayside. Am I alone in this or is this normal??

 So my 100 Days of Wellness plan is nothing radical, I can't see me dropping 20 kilos, but my wish is to get to the end and to be looking after myself better. That's it!!

Today is Day 8, maybe I should be hash tagging 100 Days of Wellness, but genuinely to anyone who reads this (and I thank you), my meandering on the benefits to my bowels of physllium husks is not to be shared!! So far I've made the following changes to my daily routine and stuck to them.

• Drank a glass of water the minute I get up (with milk thistle to cleanse my liver)!
• Had physllium husks to improve my "inner" balance
• Drank a supergreen smoothy (alkalising greens plus pineapple juice plus 2 kiwi fruit).
• Cleansed, toned and moisturised, day and night and applied eye cream!! YAY!!!

Each day I'm going to do something kind for my own wellness, whether that be drying my hair properly, going for a walk, listening to a podcast, doing something with the girls, and so far i feel very positive. I'm hitting a wall around 3pm due to lack of caffeine (slowly dropping coffee drinking from a high of 18 a day), peeing constantly and have been definitely less grumpy.

At the end of day 20 I would like to be still doing the above but the next big "habit" is exercise, from day 20 I'm introducing a 20min walk daily. Wish me luck to find 20 uninterrupted minutes

Pish, pish, chakras and philosophy

I spent a wee bit of time recently in Denmark ( the australian one). As I'm prone to do I dragged everyone to a craft market!!! C's eyes glaze at the mention, but off we trotted to duly buy shite we don't need and have our faces painted!!! I happened upon a man doing massages and as someone who is in constant neck & back pain I freely chucked him $30 and the challenge of " try and get rid of these knots"!!

In retrospect I was attracted to this chap as he was obviously a hippy but in a "stacked, I look after myself kinda way". He stood with his shaved head, bare feet, bulging biceps and straight eyed look and took up my gauntlet readily 2 minutes in and I was putty in his hands as he pounded my neck and back. As we chatted our narrative turned to work, balance and everything in between. Contrary to first impressions he was a FIFO mine worker, who worked 4 months a year in the arse end of Western Australia to allow him the luxury of pounding city dwellers like my backs' on his free weekends!!

So why tell this tale?? Well he hit a chord with me. We talked star signs, I told him it's a load of pish. We talked chakras, I told him it's a load of pish. He took my dismissal on the chin and duly told me that as a piscean, with an acute artistic bent, if I didn't find an outlet for my creativity I would continue to self implode in a series of knotted muscles. He talked to me of the number of people such as myself he had met in his 50 odd years who had ignored their creative needs in favour of money making, stale pursuits who had turned to derisive habits, that had only resulted in negative behaviours, thoughts, addictions etc. And I agree.

 In my youth I'd have made mix tapes, saw live bands, debated movies, customised clothes, up scaled this that and the other. And now I find myself needing to reinvent that part of my life, I need to add value to my existence. So I'm back blogging. And as I first started out to do I'm looking for some catharsis of past mistakes and future possibilities.

Blessed?

I've been finding myself in a rut and to be truthful feeling like a shit mum, i seem to have started to shout a lot since I've got to the land of Oz. I know it's the role of a mum to feel guilty, but i thought I'd get so much from my kids and being around them and i find myself desperate to get away from them! Just for a coffee or to read a book, my other half never feels like this and i think takes it personally when I'm so happy when they all go out!

Part of the problem is the 2 wee ones are constantly fighting, proper bitch fighting and the eldest is a bundle of hormones who is constantly moaning/ whining/ slamming doors and if I'm completely honest i don't enjoy spending time with them at the moment. That then fills me with guilt and i feel awful to have 3 beautiful wee girls, to whom I'm just a big moaning, nagging pain in the arse!!


If anyone has any suggestions that'd be most welcome. The bond between me and the kids seems to have weakened so much and I do think my shouting, nagging is having an effect on them and on me. 

Show me the boy at 7 and I'll show you the man.

Tomorrow marks the 7th year since Gabriel was born asleep, so effectively what would have been his 7th birthday and i think this quotation goes in some way to explain the hole that will always exist where he should be. We never got to know the boy and so we'll never know the man he could have been. My good friend held her son for a few hours before he passed away and in the past i was probably jealous of her....at least she got to look into his eyes and felt his warm flesh, but now 7 years on i realise its all shit and actually there's no sliding scale of losing a baby.

I do know a lot of what he would have been, well if he were anything like his parents and sisters i do. He would have been everything i could have hoped for and if he'd been half the man his dad is he'd have been someone worth knowing. If he had half his biggest sister's lust for life, he'd have filled his life with joy, if he'd had half the compassion of his wee sister he'd have made somoene the best of friends and if he'd had half the glint in the eyes of his youngest sister he would have had a life full of fun & adventure. And to be honest if he'd grown to have the resilience of his mum he'd have faced life full force.

I guess all i can hope for is that my 3 girls and Craig & i come out of the loss as undamaged as possible, but i'll be honest i don't ever think it'll be something that's not a huge, defining part of me. I've spoken to people who have had major traumas, sex abuse, murder etc in their lives and a lot of the time they talk of not letting the trauma define them and maybe i have. Who knows? Its not something i actually want to get over or forget. We had a son.

Over the years people have given such pearls of wisdom "oh i know how you feel, i lost my dog recently", "what did you do with it?", "probably best, you wouldn't want a vegetable',"best not to talk about it, you're just upsetting other people", "sorry i wasn't at the funeral, i couldn't face it", "sorry i couldn't make the funeral, i was worried it'd upset me too much", "sorry i've not phoned in a year, but it was just too upsetting". And actually the list goes on and on.

I'm not sure when a child is still born at 39 weeks plus 6 days, people actually comprehend what happens. It's no different to giving birth to your little "pink" or "blue" bundle. They don't sedate you. You labour. You bleed. You rip.You tear.You scream. Your milk comes in.

The only difference is you're handed a wee bundle with blue lips.

Adventures at 41- Leopards, spots & glass houses!!

So Saturday this week just gone marked our year anniversary in Australia and everyone asks "do you love it?", "are you staying?", "are you settled?" etc, etc. And truly the answer is I don't actually know, but I'm giving it a go!!

There are many things i do like, and a growing list of things that i love!! I love the weather and i love living near the ocean! I love that the girls play out nearly every day and that they're experiencing sports and competitive sports and that they'll play them here until they're 60 plus if they want to. I love how tight Craig & i have got since we got here and as before how we function so well under the cosh! I love that the girls will have the chance to work and to travel and that that's considered normal and almost compulsory in Perth. I love that young people can study pt, hold down a job and still have fun with their friends. I love that Lily could get a pt job at 14 and start learning to manage her own money. I love that we don't have to cut grass cause we don't own a lawnmower anymore!! I love that i know i have been nothing, but myself for most of the time i have been here. I love that I've gotten over the phase of trying to fit in. And i love that maybe i  am a square in a round hole. I love that i now have a "proper job" and am functioning as an adult in the adult world. I love that i am no longer beating myself up that I've no interest in going to pump every day. I love that my good friends here range from an opera singer to a lady who dresses as Peppa Pig at the weekend!! I love that when a friend wants to go to Bingay they think of me! I love that we have an aupair. I love our new hood. I love our landlord for letting me hang all my photos. I love that our next winter holiday will be Bali. I love that Facebook lets me see my friends and their kids daily, so i feel part of their lives. I love that we'll be able to celebrate my mum's 70th here altogether. I love that every weekend we're out together having fun. I love that Lily & i play netball together. I love how Lily has embraced the move and shown herself to be an outstanding girl, socially, academically and in her sports. I love that Craig is back playing football. And i love that my "love" list is getting longer as time passes.

I've posted a quote that I've loved for a long time which i think fits with this time for self-reflection. As one very adamant person i've encountered advised me to be more cognisant, i would definitely say this applies to them and to me at 41!

“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.” 
― Tennessee Williams