Show me the boy at 7 and I'll show you the man.

Tomorrow marks the 7th year since Gabriel was born asleep, so effectively what would have been his 7th birthday and i think this quotation goes in some way to explain the hole that will always exist where he should be. We never got to know the boy and so we'll never know the man he could have been. My good friend held her son for a few hours before he passed away and in the past i was probably jealous of her....at least she got to look into his eyes and felt his warm flesh, but now 7 years on i realise its all shit and actually there's no sliding scale of losing a baby.

I do know a lot of what he would have been, well if he were anything like his parents and sisters i do. He would have been everything i could have hoped for and if he'd been half the man his dad is he'd have been someone worth knowing. If he had half his biggest sister's lust for life, he'd have filled his life with joy, if he'd had half the compassion of his wee sister he'd have made somoene the best of friends and if he'd had half the glint in the eyes of his youngest sister he would have had a life full of fun & adventure. And to be honest if he'd grown to have the resilience of his mum he'd have faced life full force.

I guess all i can hope for is that my 3 girls and Craig & i come out of the loss as undamaged as possible, but i'll be honest i don't ever think it'll be something that's not a huge, defining part of me. I've spoken to people who have had major traumas, sex abuse, murder etc in their lives and a lot of the time they talk of not letting the trauma define them and maybe i have. Who knows? Its not something i actually want to get over or forget. We had a son.

Over the years people have given such pearls of wisdom "oh i know how you feel, i lost my dog recently", "what did you do with it?", "probably best, you wouldn't want a vegetable',"best not to talk about it, you're just upsetting other people", "sorry i wasn't at the funeral, i couldn't face it", "sorry i couldn't make the funeral, i was worried it'd upset me too much", "sorry i've not phoned in a year, but it was just too upsetting". And actually the list goes on and on.

I'm not sure when a child is still born at 39 weeks plus 6 days, people actually comprehend what happens. It's no different to giving birth to your little "pink" or "blue" bundle. They don't sedate you. You labour. You bleed. You rip.You tear.You scream. Your milk comes in.

The only difference is you're handed a wee bundle with blue lips.

Adventures at 41- Leopards, spots & glass houses!!

So Saturday this week just gone marked our year anniversary in Australia and everyone asks "do you love it?", "are you staying?", "are you settled?" etc, etc. And truly the answer is I don't actually know, but I'm giving it a go!!

There are many things i do like, and a growing list of things that i love!! I love the weather and i love living near the ocean! I love that the girls play out nearly every day and that they're experiencing sports and competitive sports and that they'll play them here until they're 60 plus if they want to. I love how tight Craig & i have got since we got here and as before how we function so well under the cosh! I love that the girls will have the chance to work and to travel and that that's considered normal and almost compulsory in Perth. I love that young people can study pt, hold down a job and still have fun with their friends. I love that Lily could get a pt job at 14 and start learning to manage her own money. I love that we don't have to cut grass cause we don't own a lawnmower anymore!! I love that i know i have been nothing, but myself for most of the time i have been here. I love that I've gotten over the phase of trying to fit in. And i love that maybe i  am a square in a round hole. I love that i now have a "proper job" and am functioning as an adult in the adult world. I love that i am no longer beating myself up that I've no interest in going to pump every day. I love that my good friends here range from an opera singer to a lady who dresses as Peppa Pig at the weekend!! I love that when a friend wants to go to Bingay they think of me! I love that we have an aupair. I love our new hood. I love our landlord for letting me hang all my photos. I love that our next winter holiday will be Bali. I love that Facebook lets me see my friends and their kids daily, so i feel part of their lives. I love that we'll be able to celebrate my mum's 70th here altogether. I love that every weekend we're out together having fun. I love that Lily & i play netball together. I love how Lily has embraced the move and shown herself to be an outstanding girl, socially, academically and in her sports. I love that Craig is back playing football. And i love that my "love" list is getting longer as time passes.

I've posted a quote that I've loved for a long time which i think fits with this time for self-reflection. As one very adamant person i've encountered advised me to be more cognisant, i would definitely say this applies to them and to me at 41!

“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.” 
― Tennessee Williams

Business in a bag!!!!!

So here's the thing. If you choose to run a business from home in the vein of direct selling eg Avon, Tupperware etc, whilst people tell you it's because they love the products etc, etc the bones of it is, you do it because you need the cash!!! I find it extraordinary that people don't see that & try to support people as a consequence.

In my experience its mostly mums, trying to juggle raising children and running a home & managing on the limited household budget that are attracted to this option, as a flexible way to make some cash and work around family commitments. 

Many of you know I ran small business from home selling beautiful stationery,cards, gifts etc. in Scotland it was a great success and here it's not. In Scotland people loved the product & most importantly I think, supported me. Me as an individual that is. And here, well, very few do!! Which has led me to question my whole way of being and who I am how, how people see me and tbh it's a head melt. 

On this journey in Australia of trying to make friends at 41, the lack of support I think is just compounding my feeling of isolation. I sound like I'm looking for cuddles or messages of support or whatever, but I'm very nearly at the point of just asking people "so do you just not like me"? " I'm sending you texts, emails etc etc gently trying to suggest you might like to help me"! And I'm getting walls of stoney silence. 

In writing this I'm figuring people might think "you know what I don't hardly know you, so why should I?" and to that i say, tell me that and I'll not bother you again. 

I guess some people might think, "your man works in oil & gas so why should I give you my money", well again if that's how you feel tell me & i'll delete you from my phone & Facebook, cause you obviously don't know me!!

If you can't be arsed then tell me and at least I'd know you were acknowledging my efforts. 

If you're not interested then tell me that and I can save my breath, but it's the total lack of giving a shit that infuriates me. I spend a lot of my time with my kids telling them "this adult is speaking to you, please have the manners to answer", I genuinely didn't think I would have to teach adults the same.

So in the context of moving to Perth & meeting kindred spirits it's a bloody slog. If it wasn't for one Scouser, a Canadian and a fellow scot I genuinely think I'd be on the next flight home. After Sundays incident with the "lady" who tried to put one over us I'm really questioning this whole adventure. Whilst. I might be analysing it all too closely, I can't see I have any choice. There is a total lack of warmth, empathy, or cooperation here. It's every man for himself and you know what, that's not how I'm going to live my life or who I'm choosing to hang out with or have my girls be near!

 From this point on if you don't make an effort with me or show some honestly then I'm culling you from my life. I have quite simply had enough of the silence and always being the one to make an effort! 

If you feel guilty reading this, then you probably are. Make a decision to be my friend or not, just don't do anything just to be "nice". I want friends not acquaintances.

Turns out this blog wasn't about my business but about friends!! AGAIN!!! 

6 wines in!!! ** this should have been published a week ago**

So here I am on a flight from Melbourne to Perth and as the title suggests I'm 6 wines in. I've not blogged for an age and it's time I did so, it's good for my soul. Facebook today told me of the passing of an old friends' uncle and as I was thinking of this I tuned into Quantas radio and lo and behold it's a trip into Scottish music from my youth. Halcyon days I think the literary would say, Del Amitri, Orange Juice, the Bluebells, Aztec Camera, Primal Scream, Marillion, Wet Wet Wet, Deacon Blue, Teenage Fanclub

 My thoughts of late have been very much grounded in my own narrative of the past, of mistakes I've made, friendships come and gone and of regrets in how easily I have allowed special people and moments slip from me. So a little bit pished and a whole lot maudlin, I am raising a glass of Aussie red to the people of my youth who held my hair whilst I spewed, tolerated my pretentious meandering and  ultimately have reconnected in the past few years and probably unbeknownst been a huge support in this at times lonely and isolated journey in the land of Aus, your words of support have and do mean a lot.

So here's to my friends spread far and wide from that wee speck on the west coast and a raised glass in your times of darkness, remembering times full of laughter and fun x

Girls & best friends!!

My middle daughter came home from Kindy this week & announced that Lucy wasn't her best friend anymore & boys can't be best friends!!

I duly launched into my tried & tested 'best friends' explanation. 

'No one person can or should be your best friend. You cannot & will not love every bit of a person nor will you share likes, hobbies, opinions with everyone. You will however meet through your life many people who will feature highly in your list of friends you love. It's better to have 10 best friends or more if you can. You're lucky you have 2 sisters & a lovely mummy so you already have 3 best friends'!! Her wee head cocked & looked up at me 'ok mummy, but you don't count!!'

Anyway got me to thinking and here in no particular order are the single sentence descriptions of my best friends. Wonder if you'll pick yourself out

• Cooky & fruity,loves films/music/clothes, inspiring

• Raucous, talented, sexy, my red wine confidant

• funny wee wummin, who can never do anything right in my eyes, but god help her keeps trying!!

• Strong, kind, yummy, motivating, my wee sister in another life

• Friend for life, through the highs & lows

• Wee running Kylie

• Funny, amazing, dungaree wearing, chisel wielding, Doris day loving, ambulance driver!!