One step forward and 10 back

Today at lunch i decided to log in to my blog for the first time in nearly a year and re-read my last blog......where i talked about not taking care of myself, feeling zero assimilation in Australia, and I'm  sad to say a year on i feel the same!!!!

I was talking to my eldest last night and saying how i felt i didn't fit in and what an amazing job she had done in our nearly 3 years here...... i was expecting her to say "you fit in Mum" INSTEAD she said "i think you're right Mum, you're not the same as the other mums"!!!!


Holy crap!!!!!


I'm left at 43 wondering if I want to change? What do i change? Back full circle to a year ago and I've changed nothing, What is the point of this life-changing adventure if its not life changing?

100 days of wellness

Its day 20!! Wellness might be becoming a habit. Sticking to the funky green drink, drinking water and taking vitamins. Eye cream is being applied day and night and bowels are in a "fine fettle". I was going to address excercise issue next but I think the mind and soul might be next.

There are no 2 ways to look at my state of mind other than to say I'm incredibly lonely. Craig and the girls are really enjoying Perth, if Craig's job was a little more challenging then he'd be sorted. I on the other hand am still taking each day as it comes.

People have suggested I go back to Scotland for a visit to endure the rain and realise how lucky I am, but it's more than that. I don't actually know how to describe the feeling, my soul feels barren, I still feel   a square peg and whilst I've met loads of decent people and I believe have made an effort, the same isn't reciprocated. I struggle to be interested in the minutiae of every detail of kindy or school and working ft excludes me from most of those cliques anyway. I am finding myself withdrawing more and more having spent energy to invite people over, to invite people to events, phone to see how they're going etc, etc I'm running out of energy. Making friends surely shouldn't be this hard. 100s of acquaintances, lots of surface connections.

So to change it??? Well I've joined a couple of on-line supper/arts clubs!!! At very least should be an experience. I just hope it's not dodgy folks looking for dates under a different pretext, they don't read like this. Hoping I might meet people with shared interests other than our kids play sport/ go to school together.

I've also been reading a little bit up and meditation and thought now might be the time to try and clear my mind of feeling lonely. Can't be good to be revisiting these thoughts so frequently. 15 minutes of de breathing/ meditation apparently should help!

So my next 20 days of wellness I'm focussing on meeting some new people outside all my current circles and taking 15 minutes every day to breath 

100 Days of Wellness

There is a constant dialogue I have with myself, where I seem to do one of 2 things, 


1. Give myself a row for not doing something and 
2. Come up with excuses as to why i don't have the time to do the things I'm giving myself a row for in 1. 

These range from not eating properly, not drinking enough water, not doing enough exercise, not reading enough, not seeing friends enough, not going out enough, not laughing enough, and so the list goes on and on and on!!


I seem to recall in my mid teens really taking care of myself, taking the time preen and pose, to plan outfits, to moisturise, to pluck, to think, to exercise, to take time to myself and now at fast approaching 43 I don't really do any of these things as matter of habit. The minute life gets hectic or tough these habits fall to the wayside. Am I alone in this or is this normal??

 So my 100 Days of Wellness plan is nothing radical, I can't see me dropping 20 kilos, but my wish is to get to the end and to be looking after myself better. That's it!!

Today is Day 8, maybe I should be hash tagging 100 Days of Wellness, but genuinely to anyone who reads this (and I thank you), my meandering on the benefits to my bowels of physllium husks is not to be shared!! So far I've made the following changes to my daily routine and stuck to them.

• Drank a glass of water the minute I get up (with milk thistle to cleanse my liver)!
• Had physllium husks to improve my "inner" balance
• Drank a supergreen smoothy (alkalising greens plus pineapple juice plus 2 kiwi fruit).
• Cleansed, toned and moisturised, day and night and applied eye cream!! YAY!!!

Each day I'm going to do something kind for my own wellness, whether that be drying my hair properly, going for a walk, listening to a podcast, doing something with the girls, and so far i feel very positive. I'm hitting a wall around 3pm due to lack of caffeine (slowly dropping coffee drinking from a high of 18 a day), peeing constantly and have been definitely less grumpy.

At the end of day 20 I would like to be still doing the above but the next big "habit" is exercise, from day 20 I'm introducing a 20min walk daily. Wish me luck to find 20 uninterrupted minutes

Pish, pish, chakras and philosophy

I spent a wee bit of time recently in Denmark ( the australian one). As I'm prone to do I dragged everyone to a craft market!!! C's eyes glaze at the mention, but off we trotted to duly buy shite we don't need and have our faces painted!!! I happened upon a man doing massages and as someone who is in constant neck & back pain I freely chucked him $30 and the challenge of " try and get rid of these knots"!!

In retrospect I was attracted to this chap as he was obviously a hippy but in a "stacked, I look after myself kinda way". He stood with his shaved head, bare feet, bulging biceps and straight eyed look and took up my gauntlet readily 2 minutes in and I was putty in his hands as he pounded my neck and back. As we chatted our narrative turned to work, balance and everything in between. Contrary to first impressions he was a FIFO mine worker, who worked 4 months a year in the arse end of Western Australia to allow him the luxury of pounding city dwellers like my backs' on his free weekends!!

So why tell this tale?? Well he hit a chord with me. We talked star signs, I told him it's a load of pish. We talked chakras, I told him it's a load of pish. He took my dismissal on the chin and duly told me that as a piscean, with an acute artistic bent, if I didn't find an outlet for my creativity I would continue to self implode in a series of knotted muscles. He talked to me of the number of people such as myself he had met in his 50 odd years who had ignored their creative needs in favour of money making, stale pursuits who had turned to derisive habits, that had only resulted in negative behaviours, thoughts, addictions etc. And I agree.

 In my youth I'd have made mix tapes, saw live bands, debated movies, customised clothes, up scaled this that and the other. And now I find myself needing to reinvent that part of my life, I need to add value to my existence. So I'm back blogging. And as I first started out to do I'm looking for some catharsis of past mistakes and future possibilities.

Blessed?

I've been finding myself in a rut and to be truthful feeling like a shit mum, i seem to have started to shout a lot since I've got to the land of Oz. I know it's the role of a mum to feel guilty, but i thought I'd get so much from my kids and being around them and i find myself desperate to get away from them! Just for a coffee or to read a book, my other half never feels like this and i think takes it personally when I'm so happy when they all go out!

Part of the problem is the 2 wee ones are constantly fighting, proper bitch fighting and the eldest is a bundle of hormones who is constantly moaning/ whining/ slamming doors and if I'm completely honest i don't enjoy spending time with them at the moment. That then fills me with guilt and i feel awful to have 3 beautiful wee girls, to whom I'm just a big moaning, nagging pain in the arse!!


If anyone has any suggestions that'd be most welcome. The bond between me and the kids seems to have weakened so much and I do think my shouting, nagging is having an effect on them and on me.